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Simple read every post in this thread, you may stop when you no longer feel gloomy.
Should you get to the end of this thread and still feel gloomy, then you got problems boss, good luck and we hope you enjoy 
Love these - as posted at smileygenerator.us.
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and scowls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
love this part....
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> > >>"Only when he's been drinking."
_____________________________________________________________________
Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never once laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," Fred said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest penis the doctor had ever seen. It was no more than the size of a peanut.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry", said the doctor, "I really am..... I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"
"It's swollen," Fred replied.
_____________________________________________________________________
A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her
they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the
fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she
said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and
told her husband when he came home.
He didn't believe her so she said: "Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked:"Do you shave?" "No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any
hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.
When the husband got back in she asked: "Did you see ?" "Yes," he
said."But why the f*!k did you have to show her yours?"
"Why,?????" she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the f*!king darts team hadn't!"
________________________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to
spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me
wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the
best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize
for the Best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did
ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's
to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed,
John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled
leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised
myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the
last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other
time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Aw the Irish!
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ok some people asked for the our own folding@home team.
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